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Character
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... to stop the enemy getting his hands on our vital parts
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Jones
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...a terrible way to die
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Frazer
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...and now Hitler’s at our throats my platoon has gone to the pictures
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Mainwaring
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...dead as a dodo were marooned, completely cut off
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Mainwaring
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A copper tried it on this morning and a crowd of kids nearly lynched him
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Walker
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A train might come along and run over your ear
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Pike
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And I bags chairman
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Mainwaring
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And I don't want any soggy chips - I want mine crisp unt light brown
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U-Boat Captain
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Answer the phone - Anthony
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Mainwaring
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Are we all Charlie Ones too?
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Pike
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Before I'd started to say 'For what we are about to receive' half of them had already received it
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Vicar
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Britain needs your brass knobs
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Wilson
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But you can't get it in the shops
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Walker
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Can't you keep your dirty old men under control Mr Mainwaring?
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Mrs Yeatman
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Captain Main-wareing man of action!
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Cheeseman
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Careful Wilson - or you might snap your girdle
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Mainwaring
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Carefully does it Mavis!
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Wilson
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Come on Adolf - we're ready for you!
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Mainwaring
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Croup? Chickens get that
don't they?
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Mainwaring
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Did you find out what nuns' legs look like?
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Wilson
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Do you mind not dripping all over my part-two orders
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Mainwaring
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Do you think that's wise, sir?
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Wilson
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Don't let them make you the scrape-goat, sir
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Jones
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Don't lets get bogged down in giblets
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Mainwaring
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Don't you worry sir - I won't let Frazer screw the handles on your coffin
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Jones
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Excuse me, uncle sergeant
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Pike
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For the want of a battle the horse was nailed
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Pike
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For your information my nose is not longer than two inches
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Mainwaring
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Frank - it's your bedtime
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Mrs Pike
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From Stone's Amusement Arcdse we shall be strongly supported by the rest of the platoon, on bicycles
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Mainwaring
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Godfrey was asleep on duty so I shot him
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Walker
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Godfrey, look your front - and stop staring at the ladies
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Mainwaring
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Good morning sir - I believe your wife has a pair of my pants
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Walker
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Gracious - our boys fighting the nazis, and people here are guzzling ice creams
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Mainwaring
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Hand me the Bible Wilson
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Mainwaring
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Have ye heard the story of the auld empty barn...?
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Frazer
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Have you seen Mr Snuggly?
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Pike
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He meant a sort of hypothetical nose
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Wilson
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He said fall-out, not fall-down!
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Frazer
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He was a very upstanding man - 'til I whipped his bails off
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Jones
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Hello - Jack Jones the Butcher
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Jones
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Here I am giving a serious lecture and all they can do is argue about the shape of their noses
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Hodges
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Here's to the health of the Duchess of York, who is a friend of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff
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Mainwaring
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He's a greengrocer
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Mainwaring
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He's almost human sometimes isn't he?
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Jones
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He's got dirty fingernails
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Wilson
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He's in my room every night eating my slippers
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Mrs Keen
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He's probably with some floozy in a gambling den in darkest Walmington
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Wilson
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Hurry up Jones - it shouldn't take you all this time to change into a log
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Mainwaring
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I can't come home now mum, I'm blowing up a tank
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Pike
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I could be the second of the few
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Pike
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I do wish Mr Mainwaring wouldn't keep using my drawers!
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Vicar
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I don't think I'd care to look at a nun's legs
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Godfrey
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I have a very vivid imagination
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Vicar
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I have nothing to say to you, so kindly mind your own business
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Mainwaring
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I like strutting and swaggering don't you uncle Arthur?
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Pike
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I never doubted ye for a single minute
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Frazer
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I normally carry a screwdriver with me but I flogged it to Godfrey to tighten-up his rollerskates
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Walker
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I ran around the garden biting the heads off the chrysanthemums
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Godfrey
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I shall complain personally to your mother
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Mainwaring
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I think you're getting into the realm of fantasy now Jones
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Mainwaring
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I thought you'd ask me to be the cock-swine
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Jones
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I want you to know I've still got faith in you sir - even if no-one else has
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Jones
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I was just wondering who would be the first to spot that
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Mainwaring
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I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourselves embroiled with the Bishop
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Verger
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I'd like to volunteer to be something to sit on
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Jones
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If Hitler's coming I'll take a message
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Hodges
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If I say you'll eat soggy chips you'll eat soggy chips!
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Mainwaring
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If it's any help I'm very good at making maids of honour
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Godfrey
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If Sergeant Wilson's going to do the cheerful actions I'd just as soon be miserable
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Frazer
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If the germans played cricket we wouldn't be on opposite sides now
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Mainwaring
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If the nazis invade now you'll be able to meet them half-way
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Hodges
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If the vicar wants a lot of silly girls in the hall that's his affair
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Verger
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I'll away and get in tae my Winnie the Pooh outfit
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Frazer
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I'll leave you to cut the ears off
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Mrs Pike
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I'll tell mum
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Pike
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I'll tell Mum and she won't give him his egg
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Pike
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I'm all wet Mr Mainwaring
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Pike
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I'm not allowed to use a telephone box - you can get mastifs in your ears
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Pike
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I'm resigning my non-commission
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Jones
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In other words where do we tell Jonesy to stick his bayonet?
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Walker
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In the name of the King I demand to examine your chicken
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Mainwaring
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In time of war, Pike, one can't always choose one's bedfellows
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Mainwaring
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It fell out of the aeroplane - the one you said was one of ours
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Wilson
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It looks as if you're getting ready for a damn party
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Major Regan
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It was definitely a Heinkel uncle
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Pike
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It went jidder-judder - and tore my trousers off
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Jones
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It's a pleasure to obey Cpt Mainwaring's unpleasant orders
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Jones
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It's the 'orrible 'ounds
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Jones
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I've never had a lot of men in my garden before
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Vicar
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Ladies and gentlemen - take your partners for 'What a friend we have in Jesus'
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Walker
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Let's hope Hitler stays his hand 'til Mrs hoskins gets the pips
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Mainwaring
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Longest way up, one - wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
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Platoon
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'Lord now lettest thy servant depart in peace' - nothing personal Mr Mainwaring
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Vicar
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May I be excused, sir?
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Godfrey
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May I remind you that this is my office
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Vicar
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Mind you, ye never liked the man
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Frazer
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Mr Mainwaring - my monster's gone shiny!
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Jones
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Mum won't like it uncle Arthur
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Pike
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My mum wouldn't like that Mr Mainwaring
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Pike
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Never mind Bertram Mills - or Coco
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Mainwaring
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Never tangle with an old butcher
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Jones
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Oh come on Wilson, it's only me
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Mainwaring
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Oh look - there's that dear little Snow White's cottage again
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Wilson
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Oh Mr Mainwaring - you are a darling
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Mrs Fox
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Oh my God, it's not monkey glands is it?
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Wilson
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Oh no-no-no-no
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Mainwaring
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Oh you silly man
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Vicar
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Ohh! I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese
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Mainwaring
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Oooh Arthur - you're so masterful
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Mrs Pike
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Open-two-three, Out-two-three, bang-two-three
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Platoon
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Oy, put that light out!
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Hodges
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Permission to pray, Sir?
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Jones
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Permission to worry you Sir?
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Jones
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Put your hat right Godfrey you're not George Formby
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Mainwaring
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Rather silly, isn't it?
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Wilson
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Reporting house cleared sir .... all except the vicar, the verger and Mr hodges
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Pike
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She gave me a little book entitled How to Handle Your Oars
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Mainwaring
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She steered and I pushed
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Pike
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Shove 'em under your cassock and look holy!
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Hodges
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Sir,..I might get electrisitified
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Jones
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Someone has written something very rude on the back of my spare harmonium
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Vicar
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Sometimes I think I'm in charge of a bunch of idiots
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Mainwaring
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Sorry about your geraniums, Godfrey, but this is war!
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Mainwaring
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Stop rolling your eyes Frazer - I've told you about that before
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Mainwaring
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Take this man's name Wilson
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Mainwaring
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Take your thumb out of your mouth boy
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Mainwaring
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Tell Carter-Pattersons to move their van - the horse is blocking my line of fire
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Mainwaring
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Tell your wife she stuffed it beautifully
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Mainwaring
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That was a nasty thing Sir
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Jones
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That's nice, that is - spitting on Church property
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Hodges
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That's no excuse for the bit of sausage skin stuck in the magazine
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Mainwaring
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That's Willy's slithery thing!
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Pike
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The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on
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Godfrey
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The old fool's asleep on duty, in wartime, on active service. That's an offence punishable by death!
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Frazer
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The vicar shall be informed
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Verger
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Them's not soldiers - they're Home Guard
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Small Boy
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Then you'd better immobilise your crutches
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Hodges
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There are no German boats in the English Channel
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Mainwaring
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There's a thing coming up the ladder - please may I shoot it?
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Pike
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There's an 'orrible black mass in the church hall
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Verger
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There's no one more important than you Captain Main-waring
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Cheeseman
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There's no time for all this Ronald Coleman rubbish, Wilson
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Mainwaring
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They don't like it up 'em
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Jones
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They say that if you do it you'll go blind
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Pike
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They're a nation of automatons, led by a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin
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Mainwaring
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They're boozers the lot of them - boozers!
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Frazer
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This is a fighting unit - not a dry cleaners!
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Mainwaring
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This is war Godfrey - there's no place for rice-pudding
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Mainwaring
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This is war Wilson, not Sainsbury's
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Mainwaring
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This is war, Godfrey - it's either the hedgehogs or us
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Mainwaring
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To be absolutely honest, it's not bothering me very much
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Wilson
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Walker had no business to take those two girls down into the crypt you know
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Mainwaring
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Walker, follow that undertaker
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Wilson
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Walker, Walker - report to me in the amusement arcade
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Mainwaring
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War is awfully dangerous Wilson
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Mainwaring
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We should all vote in a secret ballet
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Jones
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Well ye are a round lump
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Frazer
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What all? Oh, I see
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Mainwaring
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What are you going to tell me about Wilson, Vicar? Have they made him Archbishop of Canterbury ?
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Mainwaring
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While we're doing all this what's the tank gonna be doing?
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Walker
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Whistle while you work, Hitler is a Berk, He's half barmy, So's his army, Whistle while you work
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Pike
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Why do you always take the collection home to count it?
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Vicar
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Why don’t you shoot him Mr Mainwaring?
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Pike
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Why don't we muffle our rollocks so they can't hear them clanking?
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Jones
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Will you be around later, Arthur, for your usual?
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Mrs Pike
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You all look absolutely lovely
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Wilson
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You can't be a verger with a funny face you know
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Verger
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You can't go round behaving like Errol Flynn you know
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Mainwaring
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You know Sir, I can't help feeling this is not an awfully good idea
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Wilson
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You ruddy hooligans!
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Hodges
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You stupid boy!
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Mainwaring
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You'll get this up you and you will not like it
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Jones
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You're ditting when you should be daa-ing
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Jones
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You're doomed, doomed!
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Frazer
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You've always been very nice about my dumplings
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Mrs Fox
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You've no right to interfere with the vicar's camping
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Verger
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You've punched me on the nose
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Mainwaring
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